I thought I was happy. I thought I could go without. I thought I could stop being paranoid. I thought I could not tell myself I'm worthless and stupid. I wish I could look on the brighter side. I thought I could hold true to the "After this I won't cut anymore." saying I said. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought wrong. I wished wrong. I am wrong. I'm weak. I am worthless, cheap, easy, a toy... I'm all that.
That's all I ever will be. Because even though I stayed on the phone even after he fell asleep, and I fell asleep too, I couldn't help but tell him how adorable he was. And I think I creeped him out. But I couldn't help it. And all I could do was dismiss it for the time being and keep pushing it away until I thought more and more about it. And how he said that Tina and Lizz were just for fun with him. So what am I? When he says "I love you" how does he mean it? Does he mean he'll just throw me away when he's done with me? Does he actually mean that he cares deeply for me, but this just isn't right? Does he actually mean what he says? Does he think I'm adorable, cute, hot, gorgeous, beautiful, pretty, unique, everything good? Is that what he sees in me or is it just that I actually told him what he wanted to hear, so he took me.
He could have taken any of the other girls in the running. He could have cheated on me last night at the party I stayed home from. He could have easily slept with someone and lied about it to me. He could easily use me and I would never know. I don't like being held and kept in the dark. And all this makes me break down and feel ugly, worthless, cheap, easy, slutty, sick, disturbed, irrational, upset, paranoid and so many other things. But it makes me embarrassed. Maybe I over-react. Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I'm just being stupid. All I have to do is keep telling myself that and maybe I'll believe it. I really hate how I do this to myself. I always end up hurt because I had a gut feeling I didn't go with. I don't want to mess things up with Kaleb. Not this time.
Thanks for allowing my rant of unhappiness.